HARD CHOICES WHEN GRIEVING A LOVED ONE

I have worked with many clients who have gained bewildering belongings when they lost a loved one. This can be a great hardship; not only do they have to sift through items that remind them of their loved one, but they also may feel guilty if they don’t keep everything. If the grief-stricken don’t have the heart to dispose of what they don’t really want or need, those items end up abandoned in a storage unit. At my grandmother’s memorial service, we had to sort through several items that had not been bequeathed. Some were silly; others, quite valuable—an engagement ring, old lamps, a wicker bag from a Mexico trip,

a broken pocket watch, a liquor set and framed photos of some unknown relative. It was hard to see remnants of our grandmother’s time on earth, but it was also fun to experience what a rich life she led. But as I pawed through the last of her belongings, I started to feel like a vulture. I thought of her other grandchildren. I wanted to make sure that they got first “dibs.”

So I decided that whatever they didn’t want, I would take—and it worked out quite well. Sometimes, senior loved ones will take the time to sort through objects with their families before they go,

leaving only mementos behind. Here are some more suggestions that can save you additional grief after your loved ones are gone:

• Speak to friends or family members about their intentions for their stuff. As uncomfortable as this is, it’s also realistic. You can politely hint that you don’t need anything else in your small home, or that you really love the setup you have. If you are left with something that you don’t want or need, perform a good-bye ceremony with the furniture, and then sell it or give it to someone you love. Storing it in your basement does the giver a disservice. Sometimes people give their belongings away in their will because they don’t know what else to do with them. That passes on their clutter and guilt, too. Remember this when you receive an item you know you don’t want and can’t store.

• If you really like a certain piece of furniture that also has meaning to others in the family, make sure they know how much that item means to you.

• My good friend’s grandmother photographed and catalogued all of her belongings. She numbered them and put the numbers into a hat. Her two grandchildren took turns picking until all the numbers were gone. As a result, no one argued about what went to whom. This method left a difficult task to chance, rather than to the grandmother or her survivors. All she had to do was diligently write down every single item in her house! *

• Go through items together as a family and write down who will get which item. This should help neutralize any fighting. I cannot tell you how many families have broken up over money and material objects. By planning ahead, you can trim this drama from your grieving process.

*This is a great thing to do for homeowner’s insurance